To Love Is To Live
by theblairbitchprojectt
Summary: They say there are no accidents. Sometimes reality comes crashing into us. Other times it dawns on us slowly, despite our best efforts to ignore it. With enough time, we all find what we're looking for. Even if it was there all along.
1. A New Type Of Love

Hi everyone, i had already posted this story before, but it had a lot of mistakes and the time frames didn't add up so i decided to re-write it. One thing i do want to mention is that when you think of Ayva picture Suri Cruise. She is what i imagine Chuck and Blair's baby to look like :) The next chapter should be up within a few hours, i hope you enjoy. Make sure to leave a review, it helps SO much and makes writing a lot easier. To me what you'd like the story to be like or what you think is going to happen and anything that comes to mind to make this story better. Thank you for reading :)

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An average 23 year old is usually working on their degree or on their way to starting a family. Let me tell you a little about my life, in the last 7 years I have: had an eating disorder, my parents divorced, my dad remarried to a man, my lifelong boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend, I surrendered my virtue 30 minutes after breaking up with him, I fell in love with Chuck Bass, I lost Yale, I was almost killed by Russell Thorpe, had a miscarriage, married a prince, divorced a prince, dated Dan Humphrey whom my best friend also slept with, fought for Chuck Bass, ended my friendship with Serena and ended up on my ass in Paris at the tender age of 23. What am I left with now? A beautiful two year old whose father just so happens to be the unsuspecting Chuck Bass.

Our reunion didn't work out quite the way I planned; I found him in a casino thanks to Jack Bass and told him I was all in. Unfortunately, all that happened was the most passionate sex our my life in a room filled with roses and wine that was meant for a honeymoon couple before he came to his senses and realized I wasn't worth his time. This whole time I had been thinking of how much Chuck had hurt me and how much it changed me, I never took the time to think about the effects I had on him. It's appalling to even consider Chuck has actual feelings, but turns out he does. I hurt him beyond repair and thanks to that, he can't trust me. I can't blame him, maybe expecting him to drop everything and be with be once and for all was a little farfetched, but it just seemed so perfect. The whole way there I imagined us getting married; going to a secret paradise for our honey moon and going back home to share the news with our loved ones, but fate had other plans. I went back to the Upper East Side broken hearted and much to my surprise, pregnant. I did what a very scared and vulnerable Blair Waldorf does and ran. I told my mother and father about what happened and although they weren't pleased, they accepted it and gave me their support. Roman was delighted to be a Grandfather and immediately went off to design outfits for the newest Waldorf. Keeping the pregnancy hidden was surprisingly easy in a French chateau.

I found out about my pregnancy while I was 3 months along. It was a horrible rainy day and I was feeling very under the weather. I had been throwing up non-stop for the last few days which had Dorota on my tail suspecting a lingering eating disorder. I quickly dismissed such thing and told her I simply had a very faint case of food poisoning. A few hours later while I was napping I got a very sharp pain in my stomach, I cried out in pain and Dorota quickly called for medical attention. That day I got the news of a life time. I was three months pregnant with my past lovers child. What a love story, right? I could lie and say I considered every possible option, but the second I found out it was love at first ultrasound. There was no force in the world that could make me give up my baby. Six short months later I was giving birth to a beautiful baby girl named Ayva Luna Waldorf, who weighed 7lbs and measured in at 20 centimeters. She was born with a full head of curly brunette locks and beautiful brown eyes. She truly had the best of both Chuck and I.

I know the question you're dying to have an answer to is "Why doesn't Chuck know he has a daughter?" Well, it's quite simple. A few days after I found out I was pregnant I was determined to tell him and went to the Van Der Woodsen's penthouse to break the news. There I was met by a very angry past best friend who was not pleased to see me. She bluntly told me that I had hurt Chuck enough and that he had a new girlfriend, someone who was making him happier than I ever could. She went on to letting me know that falling in love with me was Chuck's biggest mistake. I slapped her and left, never looking back. Surprisingly, her words affected me. I loved Chuck more than anything in the world and all I did was make him miserable. I brought out the worst in him. Nate confirmed Chuck's new relationship and with sad eyes told me that Chuck was honestly happy with _Natalie._

Pregnancy wasn't all that easy for me. Being pregnant before and having a miscarriage took a huge toll on me. I spent every minute worrying about my baby being okay. Inside me I knew I couldn't handle another miscarriage. I was so attached to my little baby and losing him or her would end me. I spent every doctor's visit asking numerous questions about everything and anything concerning our wellbeing, I was on edge of having a panic attack anytime I felt something that wasn't familiar. When I found out I was having a baby girl I was over the moon. Having someone to dress up in cute dresses and headbands made my heart flutter. It's funny how attached you get to these little beings before you even meet them, it happens so fast and instantly. Nothing in the world mattered anymore except my daughter. During my last trimester I was stressing over a name and middle name for her. One night I had a dream that a baby was talking to me and calling me mommy. I remember saying "I love you" and the baby saying "Moon and back" The dream itself sounds strange, I mean a talking baby saying that they love me? Crazy. But it affected me. In a way I felt it was the baby I had lost before. Maybe it was just my hormones but I went on a whim amd looked up the word "moon" in other languages. Hence the "Luna" part in Ayva's name. Ayva is another way of spelling "Ava" which means "like a bird" it seemed to go perfectly with Luna. I was instantly in love with the name. I spent the remainder of my pregnancy decorating her nursery and making sure everything was baby proofed. I even started a scrapbook for her filling it with ultrasound pictures and color palettes I had chosen for her room. Soon, all the horrible pregnancy symptoms finally paid off the day she was born.

Motherhood has done wonders for me. Everything that seemed unbearable to live without during high school seems to unappealing now. My whole world revolves around my little bundle of joy. Since the second I laid eyes on her I knew that I would spend the rest of my entire life trying to give her everything and shape her into the best person I possibly could. I didn't want her to end up like me, insecure, petty, and lost. I wanted her to have real friendships, real relationships, I want her to fall in love and experience everything that the world has to offer, everything I thought I was too good for. Every time I look at her and saw her so defenseless and tiny I thought back to my high school years and was immediately ashamed by the way I treated others. I would personally claw anyone's eyes out who dared to lay a finger on my baby girl. All in all, those days are behind me. These days the only thing that remotely matters is Ayva and her wellbeing. I love spending every second of every day around her. I love her giggles and her laughs, her cries are my biggest weakness. I love seeing her beam the second she's in my arms; I love her perfect curly locks that make her outshine any baby around. I love looking at her and remembering all the good times I had with Chuck. I like remembering the times where our love was enough, enough for us and enough to overcome everything. Sometimes it still gets to me, the fact that two people who love each other more than anything else could never make it work. Something always got in the way of our happiness.

What hurts the most is that my daughter is just collateral damage. She will grow up thinking she didn't have a dad, she will ask questions that I cant answer and she will spend her life trying to piece together why everyone has a daddy and she doesn't. Sometimes on a bad day I pick up the phone and dial Chuck's number or type out an email to him, but I can never seem to find the courage to press send. How would he take it? Would he be upset or happy? Would it ruin his relationship? Would I just hurt him more? Those are questions I will never get the answers to, but knowing that he is happy makes it a little bit easier.

Up until recently, my life was looking up. Ayva and I were doing fine. Her first and second birthday had come and gone in a heartbeat. On her first birthday I spent most of the morning in bed with her crying, my baby was growing up too fast and I didn't like it one bit. We spent the remainder of the day with her grandparents with a beautiful Peterpan themed cake and went to a pond to feed the ducks. Ayva had quickly developed a passionate love for ducks. Her first word was "QUACK," followed by "Mommy". She started walking two days before her birthday. She truly was a Waldorf, always fashionably early. The only thing missing was her dad to see everything come together. I often tried to picture Chuck as a father. The silly grin on his face when she first said "dada" or the frown when she threw up on his tie. It seemed perfect. Too perfect. He would make a wonderful dad one day, just not to my baby.

Little Ayva was officially two years and ten months old today. The thought broke my heart. I know you're probably thinking "What on Earth is wrong with you? Why would the thought of your baby growing up break your heart?" Well you see, life has a funny way of working. For everything it gives you, it takes something away. Sure, my little girl was growing up, but the question roaming around in my head is "how long will I be around to see it happen?" Until a few days ago I thought that I had a life time with her. One trip to the doctor had damned that all to hell. One word changed my life. One word changed everything around me. One word questioned every decision I ever made. One word affected everything.

Cancer.

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There it is :D Make sure to review and tell me what you think


	2. Sacrifice

Hello all you beautiful people :) I'm sorry it took me so long to update, i just started college and its been hectic to say the least. I finally got around to updating this story and here it is, if you find any mistakes or errors let me know so i can fix them. Leave a review and let me know what you think, enjoy

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**_Sometimes in life, we hit a crossroads. And are forced to choose which path we want to take. Once we've made our choice, there's no turning back._**

Doctor Kyle looked distraught, the heavy wrinkles in his forehead confirmed my fears, "I've been your doctor for 23 years Blair, and I must say I'm stumped. I've never seen this type of Cancer attack so viciously before and I've surely never noticed anything in your system that would develop this"

He had spent the last half hour explaining what this "monster" as he calls it, is doing. It's a rare case, only seen about a dozen times, but my leukemia is so advanced that I don't have enough bone marrow for a blood transfusion.

Mother and Daddy always did say I was exceptional in being one of a kind.

My stomach was in knots, how does someone just look at you and tell you that your own body has turned against you and is doing everything in its power to take you down.

Tears threatened to let loose, I choose a bad time to be weak. I look up and through clenched teeth say, "Look, I have a daughter who depends on me for everything, I don't have time to beat around the bush, I need to know what my odds are"

I see the doctor's lips move but my brain refuses to process the words he is saying.

Cancer. I have cancer.

I'm twenty three and I have cancer.

I'm a twenty three year old single mom with cancer.

I draw out a deep breath and close my eyes.

"I need you to be blunt" I tell him.

"It's not looking too good, but I have faith in you Blair. You have time on your side; we can find a way to overcome this."

"How much time do I have?"

"It's hard to –"

"How much time"

"Without treatment we're looking at anywhere from 3-6 months, it's slowly attacking your immune system, it's silent but deadly, with treatment, it's hard to say. We wouldn't be aiming to cure it, just to pro-long your life." He looked to his right and was met by my sleeping toddler in her stroller, his eyes turned sad and he quickly turned away.

What a slut time is. She screws everybody.

"I'm going to need a second opinion. You realize how crazy this sounds, right? I'm twenty three. I've been healthy my entire life. I spent years eating nothing but vegetables and fruits because I didn't want to gain weight. I work out. I drink plenty of water. I do everything right and now you're telling me I have _cancer?_ I don't mean to offend but I just can't take this seriously right now" I must sound delirious, I almost want to laugh at how impossible this is, it's a joke, a cruel fucking joke.

My world turns hazy. It's almost sick how the world works. You wake up one morning and you assume you have the rest of your life to do anything you need to do, but how long is that? 50 years? 50 months? 50 days? Just like that you're gone, your internal clock just stops. You stop ticking. You stop breathing. You stop existing.

"It's going to be okay Blair, treatment will be tough and intense, but I know we can beat this, you're not going to be on your own, we have a great support system, you just have to believe you can" he says slowly and carefully as if each word was a dagger waiting to make its way through me.

I BELIEVE I CAN. I BELIEVE I CAN. I BELIEVE I CAN. Is he mental? Does he truly believe this is how it works, I tap my heels three times and BAM! I'm cured! False Alarm everyone. I almost feel like slapping him.

I abruptly get up and turn away from him, "I'll be back in a few days to confirm this" I grab the stroller and make my way out before he has a chance to reply.

The worst thing about receiving bad news is the thinking. You do nothing but think about it. It consumes you. It makes you forget reality for a while and sucks you into this dark place where all your problems suddenly appear and you have no choice but to face them and the only way people can get through to you is by practically screaming, which is when having a fussy toddler becomes a perk.

Ayva's soul piercing cry knocks me back into reality and I couldn't be happier. It's almost like she knows that something is upsetting me, she's usually not this much trouble, but today she just wants to be clingy and be around me. I hold her in my arms and make my way to the couch almost in a daze.

I can't picture not waking up to her flashing that beautiful smile of hers at me or listening to her mumbles at her plush toys, I can't imagine my life without her and her without me. Since the day she was born we have spent every waking second together, and now it feels like that's getting ripped away from me.

I finally let myself feel all the emotions I avoided all day and it literally takes my breath away. That's the thing about pain; it demands to be felt in all its glory. I know getting second, third, fourth opinions are useless, it's real, this whole thing is real. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I don't want this to be real and I can't help but notice how childish I sound, but who can really blame me. It's not like I'm being selfish, I have a daughter for god's sake, why doesn't anyone realize that it's not about me, it's about her. I'm all she has, she is all I have, it's not the best system, but it's what I made work. It's just the two of us.

I feel guilty for feeling so alone, almost like I'm betraying my daughter, as if she wasn't enough. But who am I kidding? I just want someone to understand my frustration, in a matter of ten seconds and three words my whole life was flipped upside down.

Three to Six months is the estimated time he gave me without treatment.

Treatment, the other pondering question taking over my mind. Is it really worth it? There are no possibilities, at least I KNOW how long to expect if I don't agree to it. All treatment will do is make me bald, tired and weak. They will inject poison into my body to penetrate the monster growing inside me. I'll be one big toxic waste dump.

I can't take that risk. I want to be able to take care of Ayva and spend the little time I actually have with her while I'm conscious and alert. I want to remember everything about her; I want her to remember me as being beautiful and content. I don't want her to see me in a bed seconds away from death.

I look at her again. So this is what motherhood is. You let go of your needs and accommodate for them and their wellbeing.

I pick up my phone and quickly dial the number.

He picks up after three rings. "Hello?"

"What would you do?" I say too fast.

I can almost feel his confusion, "Blair is that you?"

"Yes, now what would you do if you were in my exact position?"

"Ah, you mean with treatment?"

"Yes" I say quickly getting annoyed with his unnecessary comments.

"It's hard to say, I understand where you're coming from, you probably feel stuck, like you're being crushed by a wall"

"Treatment will only be extending my life for an unknown amount of time right? You can guarantee me that It'll go away, it's too much right? My body won't handle it."

"It'll be tough" he confirmed.

"I don't want to be treated" I state, making up my mind.

"Now Blair, you're being irrational right now, sleep on it, let yourself-"

"No, this is it. I have an estimated three months to make everything right."

"Blair, talk this over with your family and friends, you can't do this alone" I almost laugh out loud.

I've done everything on my own for over two years, my "friends" probably don't remember my name, and my mom and dad are entirely too happy for me to mess it up. They're finally in a good place and I refuse to take that away from them.

"I'll agree to weekly checkups and anything of that sort, but I'm saying no to surgery, chemotherapy and radiation." I'm being blunt but I need to get my point across.

"You'll need to come in to sign paper work about your decision" he said with a deep sigh.

"That's fine."

"To answer your question, I would focus on being happy, however that is achieved. Have a goodnight Blair" before I had a chance to respond the line went dead.

"You won't hate me will you?" I whispered to Ayva who was busy trying to eat her little foot. "I promise I'll make sure you have everything you ever need and that you won't ever be alone. I'll make everything right before I go, I promise Ayva, I will fix everything, no matter what"

Sometimes people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them, but I knew I had to make this happen, no matter what.

She faced me and instantly her face turned into a frown, it never ceased to amaze me how smart babies really are, she place her little hand on my cheek and rubbed the tears through her tiny fingers, she instantly started crying, almost in a hysterical way. I took her in my arms and calmed myself down when I noticed my heart was beating 100x than normal.

"I love you Ayva, to the moon and back" I whisper softly into her ear while we make our way upstairs to call it a night, "nothing could ever change that"

She looked at me and the smile that she flashed could end wars and cure cancer.

**_Maybe who we are isn't so much about what we do, but rather what we're capable of when we least expect it._**

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Time passes too quickly when you're getting ready to do something you don't want to do.

I wear the highest nude Louboutin's I own and a beautiful silk, purple dress that my mother designed for me after I had Ayva.

I spend my morning up and down the French streets making my way to the hospital, signing my life away in paperwork, with a side of retail therapy.

I take time to actually see the things in front of me, like the blinding sun that never fails to shine, or the quacking ducks that look eager to run around all day, I see the musicians with open guitar cases doing what they love in a way they love and sharing it with the stranger around them.

For a second, everything was pure and sincere.

And then reality comes crashing down again so I swipe my credit card time after time until my phone finally rings;

"Hello?"

"I just called the Waldorf jet and arranged your trip back to New York sweetheart"

"Excellent, I assume Dorota is coming along?"

"I wouldn't put you and Ayva in anyone else's hands, Blair. Speaking of Ayva how is my precious granddaughter?"

"Growing and drooling on everything I own, but adorable as ever"

"I can't wait to see her; it feels like a life time since I was last with her"

I roll my eyes, "No need to be so dramatic, mother. You saw her last month."

"Speaking of drama, are you going to tell me what caused the change of heart?"

"What are you talking about, mom?"

"Why are you coming back to the Upper East Side, Blair?"

"I need to make things right, for Ayva."

"Chuck Bass is in a relationship sweetheart, are you sure it's the right time?"

I quickly grow agitated, "No mom, I don't, but I have to do it anyways. I can't depend on right timing anymore"

"What has gotten into you Blair is everything okay? I'm worried about you. Do you need help with Ayva? Is that it? Is it getting to be too much? Cyrus and I can fly to France first thing honey; I just need you to talk to me"

"Mother, I'm fine. I need to put Ayva first, no matter where that puts me. I can't take away a part of her because I'm a coward."

Tears run silently down my face. I want to tell her so bad, I want to tell someone, anyone, but I can't. She's been so happy, I haven't seen her this happy since before daddy left. She finally got her life back; I can't take that away from her.

I take in a deep breath and continue, "I'll be in New York by tomorrow morning mother, and I'll see you there"

I hang up before she can say anything else.

I rush back home and gather everything I need, I can't imagine coming back anytime soon if at all. I have a piercing headache by the time I'm done packing everything. A seven hour trip with a toddler is not ideal, but then again, what in my life is?

Twenty minutes into the trip Ayva fell asleep leaving me consumed in my thoughts.

Chuck.

_Stop Blair. Don't think about it._

I try everything within my power to keep him out of my mind but sooner or later I'm going to have to think about it, and then I'll be a mess.

My mother answered the question that was lingering in my mind earlier; he was still in a relationship. That made things one hundred times more complicated.

I don't want his girlfriend anywhere near my daughter; I barely want Chuck around her. I want her all to myself while I can still be with her, but if I isolate her and myself from everyone, she'll be alone. Just like me.

I can't believe I'm going back to the place I was desperate to leave.

I'm going back to the drama, the insecurity, the heartache, the betrayals, and the fakeness of it all.

But let's be honest, if you were constantly aware that you could leave this earth at any moment, would you be living the same way you are now?

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We pull up to the place I called home so long ago, I struggle to take it all in but in the end, it's now or never.

"Oh there's my two precious princesses!"

"Hello to you too, mother"

"Hand her over and nobody gets hurt" she says while ripping Ayva away from my arms.

"Look how big you've gotten, oh yes you have! I bet you missed grandma, isn't that right sweetheart? I've made you so many dresses; you're going to be a star! Look at this hair, who knew Chuck Bass could help make such a marvelous creature?"

"Mother can you not? Someone could hear you!" I scolded.

"Let's go inside, you must be exhausted."

"Does anyone know I'm here?"

"Unless you let anyone know, I can't imagine who would."

I think about my next question for a second.

"How is everyone?"

"Everyone has been fine, the Upper East Side is still the Upper East Side, it's just missing its queen."

"I gave that crown away a long time ago, mother. I traded it for pacifier and diapers"

"Best decision you ever made, if I do say so myself"

I let out a smile. She's right.

"Well look at that, and here I thought you had forgotten how to do that. "

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Of course, everything is going to be okay mom. I just need time to get situated again, although it feels like I never left."

My mother turns back her attention to Ayva and quietly studies her. She runs her fingers through her curly locks and down her face. I begin to wonder if anyone would be able to tell she's Chuck's daughter at first glance.

"You know Blair; sometimes it seems impossible that my baby has a baby of her own. But then I look at her and I look at you and my insides swell with pride. I have never been so proud of you, you've done such an amazing job all by yourself. I know things didn't work out the way you planned or hoped for, but look at this beautiful little lady, you made her. You're shaping her to be a glorious woman one day and you should be proud of yourself. Anything you did, you did for her. Remember that sweetheart, no matter how painful your decision has been, as long as you can sleep well at night, it means that you made the right choice."

I struggle to hold back the tears and reach in to hug her. I may be twenty three, but sometimes I just need a hug from my mom too.

I look up and see my little girl jumping up and down with that beautiful smile of hers, I notice Cyrus coming down stairs with his huge silly grin ready to attack Ayva with kisses, and I see my mom, the strongest and toughest women I know, completely wrapped around an toddler's finger. Love made all that possible, love for me, love for her, love for our small, dysfunctional, sometimes a bit crazy, but amazing family.

It's a great day to be alive.

_So finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense._

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So there it is, this was kind of a fill in chapter describing how Blair is feeling and what it's like to keep such a big secret since i really didn't have enough time to work with Chuck and Blair as much as i want to. That will be NEXT chapter :D I really want them to have my full focus so i can really try and make this story a lot better.

**_Don't forget to review_**_, leave me any ideas or things that **YOU** want to see next chapter._

_I love you all_


	3. Authors Note

Just a quick author's note;

I was writing chapter three when I realized something. I need Ayva to be close to three in this story, so I changed her age to **2 years and 10 months**. So she'll be turning three in two months, make sense?

I went through the story and replaced her age everywhere I saw it and I also changed Blair's. **Blair is 23.**

So if you start seeing Ayva act a little older than before it's because of the age change.

Chapter three should be up in the next few days.

Please take this as a chance to review my story, leave feedback and tell me what YOU want to see.

In the next chapter you'll see Dan, Chuck, Serena and Nate among others.

What do you think their reactions should be? How should Blair break the news of Ayva?

Do you think she's going to tell Chuck right away? How will his girlfriend react?

Do you think there's hope for Serena and Blair's friendship?

Do you think Blair should tell them about the cancer?

SO MANY QUESTIONS :D

Please answer them for me 3

I love you all to the moon and back.


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